his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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