Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
