I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
