so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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