I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
