Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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