So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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