if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You did what with his pubic hair?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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