Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
