if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
