I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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