I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
