Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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