roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
