don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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