I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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