OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
