new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
