Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
