After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
