I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You ate ashes out of my bong
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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