My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
