omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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