new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
