I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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