I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
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Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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