my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
