dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
