It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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