I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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