i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
