I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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