I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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