The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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