Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
