Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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