I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
