I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
