I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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