she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
