Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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