I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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