Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
