why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
