I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
