I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
