I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
