the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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