When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
