I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
