last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
