I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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