You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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