headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
