Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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