Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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