you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
