she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle