I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
