Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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