shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
