4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
