Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Still dying that you shit outside
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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