i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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