I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
